Need to Know
by NettieC
Summary: May HBX Challenge response. Harm's having a bad day but when Mac turns up things are either going to get a whole lot better or a whole lot worse.


Disclaimer: They don't belong to me ... boy would things be different if they had.

May HBX Challenge

Harm: Why didn't you tell me?  
Mac: Need to know?  
Harm: Well, I guess I needed to know.

Thanks to all who have Pm'd or emailed me during my absence.

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Need to know…

Nothing had gone right for Harm today; he lost his case, got a speeding ticket, then a parking fine and his plans for dinner with Mac were called off at the last minute when she phoned to cancel. So, instead of trying out the new Cantonese restaurant, he was at home, alone, feeling sorry for himself.

As his brain often did, at such times, it drifted to Mac and all the possibilities. Nine years after first meeting her, he had to concede that where Sarah MacKenzie was concerned he should be thinking of her in regards to impossibilities and give up on the notion there would ever be anything more between them.

Neither of them seemed to be in the same place at the same time. Neither of them seemed capable of moving beyond the traumas of their lives to trust in the other. He shook his head, trust was not the right word; he trusted her, implicitly, trusted her with his life, with his career, with his …heart. He shook his head again, that was the whole problem; he didn't trust her with his heart.

Long ago he had accepted he loved her, it was like a lightning bolt shooting through him when he realised he could no longer consider her just a friend or a work colleague. It seemed, in the midst of his career fluctuations and, despite his denials, he had fallen in love with her and fallen hard… harder than he ever thought possible, much harder than he knew how to cope with. She, Sarah MacKenzie, was his world … the only problem though was he couldn't tell her … couldn't risk the chance she didn't feel the same way, or she wouldn't reciprocate. All which combined to leave him in a very confused and frustrated state.

Grabbing his guitar he sat on the window seat and began to strum. Trying to allow music to soothe his soul, knowing it wouldn't really help but having little idea what else he was supposed to do. He had played three songs before a soft knocking on his door disturbed him. He was surprised to find Mac standing there.

"I wasn't expecting you," he said as he took her jacket and hung it on the stand.

"Wasn't expecting to be here," she replied, not quite able to look him in the eye.

"You said something else had come up. What happened?" he questioned as she moved over to the sofa.

"Um … was over quicker than I thought," she replied, playing with the cuff of her shirt.

"What was it?" he asked, sitting down beside her. He was starting to worry about her demeanour, she seemed very unsettled and unsure.

"Um …Kershaw…" she began.

"What did he want?" Harm asked rolling his eyes at the mention of the man. Nothing ever went well for them where the CIA was concerned.

Mac stood up and headed to the kitchen, grabbing herself a glass of water, her throat already dry.

"Mac?" he prompted when she stood staring out the window into the blackness of the night.

"What?" she startled. Harm came up beside her.

"What did Kershaw want?" he repeated.

"What does Kershaw ever want?" she replied.

"Another job?" Harm asked and she nodded. "What did you say?"

"That I'd think about it," she replied, rolling the glass in between her hands.

"Oh," he replied.

Silence fell between them and Harm noticed the uneasiness in Mac remained. He took her hand and led her back to the sofa.

"What else is going on?" he asked, as he took her glass and placed it on the coffee table.

"What do you mean?" she countered, barely daring to glance at him.

"You don't seem yourself," he commented, still holding her hand, feeling it tremble in his. "What's wrong?" he asked gently.

"I…um…I haven't…" she began but stopped abruptly. "It's nothing," she said, going to stand.

"It's not nothing, Mac," he soothed, taking her hand and pulling her back to the sofa.

"No, I guess it's not," she conceded. She took a deep breath. "I went to see someone after my meeting with Kershaw. I've … um … been having some problems."

"What sort of problems?" he asked quickly.

"Um, medical problems, for the last couple of months," she admitted, her eyes fixed on the coffee table.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, tilting his head and trying to establish eye contact but she wouldn't look his way.

"I was trying to keep it on a 'need to know' basis," she whispered. "Or rather, I didn't tell anyone, didn't think anyone needed to know."

"Well, I guess …I needed to know, Mac," he said squeezing her hand.

Slowly Mac turned her head and looked up at him, her brown eyes watery, her bottom lip quivering slightly. "Why did you need to know?" she asked, almost confused.

Harm studied her momentarily, she seemed incredibly vulnerable, there was never going to be a better time to go with the truth.

"Because, Sarah," he said quietly. "You are my best friend; you are the one constant in my life…" His voice trailed as her head dropped once more, a tear falling onto her shirt. "And because I love you," he added.

His words caused her to look back at him.

"What?" she asked, quickly wiping away another tear.

"I need to know these things about you because I love you. I love you, Mac …I have for a long time," he admitted, his own tears threatening to spill over.

"Why?" she asked, looking more confused than ever.

"Why what?" he questioned.

"Why do you love me? I mean I've got nothing to offer you … I'm not what you…" she began but he cut her off with his fingers on her lips.

"I love you because you are the most incredible person I have ever known. You are brave and courageous and beautiful and caring and amazing and …" He stopped to wipe away her tears. "How could I not love you?" he asked, shaking his head. It was never a conscious decision to love her, it came as naturally as breathing; it was as simple and uncomplicated as that.

Mac sniffled and took a couple of deep breaths. "Because I can't give you what you want."

"What do you mean?" he asked, wrapping an arm around her.

"Our baby deal…doctor says I have next to no chance of having a baby naturally…" she whispered. "I can't give you the family you crave."

Gently he rubbed her back. "So long as I have you I have everything I want and need."

"You say that now … but…" she began.

"Sarah, I have been in love with you for a long time now and I've had plenty of time to think through a lot of things … the only thing I really need in this life is you …" he said, moving in to kiss her forehead. She shook her head and his heart sank.

His bad day was about to get a whole lot worse, he had finally gained the courage to tell her he loved her and she wasn't thinking along the same lines. Harm got up and went to stand by the window, the darkness in his heart, reflected by the night outside. It took her a few minutes to move but, when she did, she went to stand behind him wrapping her arms around his muscular body.

"Are you sure?" she asked quietly, kissing his shoulder blade. He turned around in her arms.

"Sure of what?" he asked.

"About me … being the only thing you need …" she whispered.

"Yeah, I am," he whispered in response.

"Well, in that case, I think there's something else you need to know," she said, tears escaping down her cheeks.

"What?" he whispered, his heart filling with dread that there was something more wrong with her than she had said.

"I'm in love with you too, Harm," she said, reaching up and brushing her lips against his.

"You are?" he replied, pulling back. Mac's lips on his, her hands running up his chest, to his shoulders before snaking around his neck and bringing him down to her, allowing her to deepen their kiss in such a manner that he was left in no doubt she was definitely in love with him.

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_**If you've gotten this far and enjoyed it, I'd like to know about it.**_

_**If you've gotten this far and not enjoyed it, you should have stopped reading. I would have.**_


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